Don't tell me I'm dying
by CupofTeaforAliceandHatter
Summary: Edward left, months later Bella received bad news. She never thought this would be how she would die. If your soul-mate left you, would you fight to live? How do you fight what's in yourself? Will Bella win her battle if given a surival rate of 5%?
1. Chapter 1

**Exclaimer: All copy rights belong to Stephenie Meyer & Thriving Ivory**

I woke up for what I think was my third time it was raining, as was most of the time. Laying there, judging by the dull light that came threw the window, I couldn't go back to sleep, I couldn't even close my eyes. Giving up I slowly pulled myself to my feet and walked over to the window. The very window where he would climb in through every night. My throat was so dry. I took a deep breath and started coughing.

Why me? I repeat this over and over but have yet to find a answer. I'd never get a chance to wonder if I would ever fall in love and trust someone again. Then again, I don't think i would be able to love another the same way I do for Edward. He's my soul-mate, there was no changing that. A big part of me if not the entire me had been dead now ever since he had left.

My radio was softly playing in the back ground. This melody was close to fitting how I felt these days.

_Do you dream, that the world will know your name  
So tell me your name  
Do you care, about all the little things or anything at all?  
I wanna feel, all the chemicals inside I wanna feel  
I wanna sunburn, just to know that I'm alive  
To know I'm alive_

_  
_I didn't want to even think about his name or any of his family member. When ever I would it would only make my heart constrict and I would then unknowingly cross my arms and hug myself as if I had stomach pain. I didn't want to feel anything. I looked out at the dark sky and glad that the weather was always appropriate for my mood these days. The fresh thoughts of abandonment went well with the rain falling. I squeezed my eyes shut to push out the harsh feelings building inside_._

I slipped on the cold wooden floor, praying to god that I would pass out. When I tried to close my eyes, I saw him in the forest-the last time I would ever see him. I remembered his frozen black eyes, giving my warm body frostbite, ripping out my heart that much sooner. I remember my body giving out from underneath me as I reached out for his icy touch. I quickly flashed my eyes open. No. I couldn't go back there. I wouldn't. It hurt too much.

_Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know  
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go  
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon  
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon_

As excruciating as the pain felt, seeing his angelic face in my mind was my life support. I lay there on the floor for an immeasurable amount of time clutching my stomach. I began wishing that he would appear and stroke my cheek with his ice cold fingers.

Suddenly it dawned on me. I was alone, my soul had left me, and my life was over. I was waiting for no one, because no one was there for me to wait for. And that was when I started to cry. I couldn't stop; the tears felt endless as they rolled down my cheeks. My eyes became sore and my head started to ache.

"Damn you, Edward." I whispered "How am I suppose to live without you?! This isn't living, Edward! I'm dead. I'm already dead! You killed me! I hope you're happy! There was no point in you leaving! I would've been dead either way. Damn you! Damn you, Edward!"

My throat was coarse. It hurt to sob and breathe in and out. I covered my face and kept crying till the burning in my chest was so intense I was gasping to calm down.

" You left me. You left me. You all left me. My family, my family, left me here to die" I was broken, broken beyond repair.

_Do you believe, in the day that you were born  
Tell me do you believe?  
And do you know, that every-day's the first of the rest of your life  
_

This so called life of mine, has changed quite rapidly over these last couple of months. Since my eighteen birthday nothing in my life was right. Everything was a mess. It was all wrong. So, very wrong. Nothing has went well since Edward left, the love of my life. How had it come to this? Where was the fairytale ending, that little girls dreamed about? It was all screwed up.

_Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know  
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go  
Don't wake me 'cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon  
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon  
_

"Bella?" I jumped, startled. A soft voice abruptly dispersing my thoughts, Renee stood in my door way and looked at me, worry in her eyes. That's what I get for not paying attention. Are you okay? I thought I heard you yelling

"Yea, I'm fine." I responded quietly barely able to muster a faint smile . "I just have a very bad headache" I shrugged.

"Did you remember to take your medication?" she asked concerned.

"Yes, mom" I breathed softly. Mom pulled me into a hug. I knew she was scared for me. Hell..I was scared. I wasn't ready but I guess no one is ever ready. I wished my parents didn't have to suffered along with me. They didn't deserve to watch their only child die a little more each day.

"Are you sure, your okay? Other than a headache. You look..." she trailed off, letting it hang in the air. I knew what she meant.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that? What do you want me to say? That everything is fine and dandy. Look around, my life went to hell. First the man I love leaves me, second just yesterday I was told I only have a few months at most to live." I whimpered, biting my lower lip, trying to suppress my tears. However, One managed to escaped...then another...traders. I was confused and angry.

"Sweetheart, everything will turn out okay." Now I was getting more angry. I wanted to believe her words. I sincerely did. But i had no hope left. I was going to die, weather I wanted to or not.

"Everything is not going to be okay. I'm dying. There is nothing you or anyone else can do" 'If only the Cullen's were here. Shut up, Bella, No use in wishful tinking' "I don't have a choice but to except that this is happening. "Mom, I'm scared" Mom held me tight as I cried. Tears began to fall from hers also, but not as heavily as mine.

"Bella.. Shh.. it's ok" Renee said crushing me tighter to her.

_This is to one last day in the shadows  
And to know a brother's love  
This is to New York City angels  
And the rivers of our blood  
This is to all of us, to all of us  
_

"I don't want to die. I'm not ready." I said clutching on to her shirt. "And I miss him so much. I really love him, mom. All I was to him was a mistake. That's why he left. Leaving behind his mistakes. He didn't love me. He left me. Alone." I finally exhausted myself and cried into her chest, feeling weak. Silent whimpers exhaled from my body, as my throat got coarse again from the weeping.

All I was sure of, was I was dying. I was at deaths door. I did not know what would be waiting there for me, whether it be heaven or hell. All I knew is that this pain that had harboured itself inside of me wasn't going to leave, I doubted even a angel could take it all away.

Everything I thought of brought me pain, even my fondest memories, but who could blame me? I had been scarred for life, well that s what I guessed was meant by the sickening pictures that never left my eyes.

_Don't tell me if I'm dying, cause I don't wanna know  
If I can't see the sun, maybe I should go  
Don't wake me cause I'm dreaming, of angels on the moon  
Where everyone you know, never leaves too soon  
_

Pain quickly rushed into my head, for a split second I forgot everything but like every time I hurt myself they always came back, those sounds, that touch. I quickly held my hand to my mouth tightly, untangled myself from my mother and ran for the bathroom. I didn't understand how I could vomit so much, when I ate so little. I hadn't eaten in two days, so all that came up was bile, it still hurt though, everything still hurt.

_You can tell me all your thoughts, about the stars that fill polluted skies  
And show me where you run to, when no-one's left to take your side  
But don't tell me where the road ends, cause I just don't wanna know  
No I don't wanna know  
_

I slunk down next to the toilet, the stench of fresh sick not even bothering me and let out dry painful sobs. I think my body had run out of tears, nothing left to cry, nothing left to vomit, nothing left to live for.

**Flash back**

_I was sitting in an uncomfortable neon orange plastic chair. I had an appointment with a specialist, a doctor Darrell Toras. The receptionist looked up and said Isabella Swan the doctor will see you now. I stand up, take a deep breath, walk through the doors, and into the examination room. A nurse took my temperature, blood-pressure, height, asked basic health questions, and told me the doctor would be there in a few minutes. I was here for my test results. To say I was worried was an understatement._

_Soon,the doctor pushed through the door into the room with a grim expression, "Bella," he said, his face struggling to stay plain, or perhaps some type of disturbed happiness._

_But it wasn't working. Something was wrong. It was absolute. "I have your test results," he continued, biting his lip and pausing at the end._

_I couldn't take it. This was my fate. To hell with dramatic effect and pausings! I wanted to know what it was that was killing me!_

_"And.." I prompted, impatient and rudely._

_But he didn't seem to mind the rudeness. I would be one to think that anyone would be a bit cranky if they were going to be buried six feet under at eighteen. He frowned, and with a clear of the throat continued._

_"Bella, I don't know how this is possible. You say this illness doesn't come from your family and before this you were as healthy as a horse.." He paused again, looking down._

_I saw sadness and his eyes and it made me sad too. Not really that I was dying. That didn't bother me much, mostly because I had nothing to live for. But it made me sad that this doctor, a stranger; was sad for my life._

_"Doctor, please continue.." I said preceded to tell me the reason that I have been having joint pains, headaches, feeling weak and tired was because you have Leukemia, "it isn't treatable it is to far along, and I m sorry but you only have two months to live. I thought to myself I should have seen the signs the joint pains and the feeling weak, and the headaches._

_For about ten minutes, I sat there with my head tilted up. I stared up at the blank ceiling, just staring. I doubt that there was any remote brain activity in those minutes. I just stared. I didn't wonder about my fate or really care anymore. I knew I was dying. And I knew what was killing me. I thought back to when I was happy. When Edward was here and he loved me. At lest at the time I believed he did. But that would never happen. Never again. Ever since Edward left me, everything I had wanted and hoped for had been shattered._

_That night, I cried for a little while. Just to get it out of my system_

**End of Flash back**

I was back to reality. I was back in this cruel sick reality. I was back to having cancer. Edward was gone. I felt so alone.

_Don't tell me if I'm dying  
Don't tell me if I'm dying  
Don't tell me if I'm dying_

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	2. Chapter 2

**_Chapter 2_**

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**O~O~O~O~O**

In my dream I was running. Running from what? I have no idea but I could feel the fear, burn threw my senses. It was the only thing I felt, and that made me more terrified. The darkness was so consuming it felt like I was drowning in a pit of nothingness. Drowning? I searched my mind for some way to wake myself up from this nightmare. Nightmare, was that what this was? It was just a dream.

Then it hit me...I was dying.

My eyesight was going blurry when I saw the stars dance before my eyes. I was tired and extremely dizzy and I could feel all my limbs go weak, as I struggled for air that would never come.

My body shook with my heavy sobs. They were ripping through my chest, I couldn't make them stop. It was all my fault. My chest was heaving, I was breathing heavily.

Bella. Bella, honey. Time to wake up. Snapping back to reality, I opened my eyes sleepily, and was greeted by my mother. I realized it was time for me to get up for the much dreaded day. I was so thankful Phil understood why my mother was needed here.

On my way out of my bedroom I grabbed my bag of bathroom , necessities, and headed to the bathroom. The hot shower relaxed my tense muscles. When the water turned cold I knew it was time for me to get out and get to ready. Throwing on my favorite pair of jeans, a black long sleeved shirt.

I peered at my reflection in the mirror for the hundredth time. I stood still, still as a statue, in front of a long mirror, examining myself. The reason I was standing so still was because if I didn't move I could almost believe that it wasn't real. That I wasn't real.

"Bella, we need to leave in about 15 minutes"

"Okay. Almost ready"

I began to tame my long brown wavy hair that cascaded down to the middle of my back. Finally, deciding on leaving my hair down, I studied my face. My eyes were brown and wide with fear, standing out against my pale translucent skin that brought out my red perfectly shaped lips. It was hard to say how I felt on this day.

God, I missed Alice. I hadn't seen her since the night of that party.

"Bella?..Are you ready to go?" Charlie shouted from downstairs.

"Yes, I just need one more minute" I yelled out. I took one last glance at how bad I looked, before making my way down stairs, tripping on the last step. Luckily Dad caught me.

"Woe there, kiddo" A girl needed their dad to be the hero least once or twice growing up. I guess now was better than never. I gave a week smile.

Renee handed me a red apple "Here eat this.... How are you feeling this morning, sweetheart?"

I m nervous. I shrugged while chewing on my apple.. I can t help it.

"Hopefully getting this second opinion will pay off." Renee gave me a nervous smile.

I was suddenly filled with sadness. My mother really had hope I would make it but I didn't feel the same way. I wasn't sure if I even care one way or another. We all had to die some day. Not every one was lucky to grow old or live forever.

**_O~O~O~O_**

I had been silent for the whole ride. What could I say? I was a mess, and depressed. I felt everything falling apart and I was powerless to stop it. I wish Edward was here more than ever. The one thing I wanted. I couldn't have. I wonder if he would even care. I doubt it, he knew when he left, some day I would die. I bet he didn't think it be this soon.

Had Alice seen any of this? Did any of them care? Even with my parents here, I truly felt alone.

The hospital is the one place in the world that I hate the most. I'm familiar with it, but I hate it. I hate the way it smells. I hate the way it's so clean. I hate how everyone is so professional and barely shows any emotions.

We sat in the hospital waiting room. Renee looked anxious, her hands twisting and untwisting.

"Isabella Swan.... The doctor will see you now." My parents and I walked slowly to the door. A nurse took my weight and height, then lead us to a small room.

"The doctor will shortly with you"

I nodded and thanked her. Then it was dead silent, afraid to break the stillness that hung in the air..

We didn't have to wait to long, when a man around his late forties I would guess, with blackish-gray hair. He had a gently but serious face. A wedding ring lined his right hand.

"Good after noon. I'm Dr. Dillon. You must be Miss. Swan" He greeted

"A pleasure to meet you. These are my parents Charlie and Renee"

"Nice to meet you. I wish it was under different circumstances" He shook all our hands, before taking a seat behind a desk.

"Well, lets get down to business. Miss. Swan, We have received your MRI results back. I have good news. It appears your only at a stage 3, that's good in it's self. So, that opens opinions that may give you a fighting chance however even with treatment, you'd only have 5% chance of survival. Any chance is better than none. I sure you I will do every thing that can be done to help you through this, Feel free to call any time of day if you have a questions. I'll do my best to answer them.

"I have to inform you that with any treatment there are risks."

"If you do choose to fight this, then we'll start you as soon as tomorrow with Chemotherapy drugs. They help destroy leukemia cancer cells by impeding their growth and reproduction. These drugs often are called "anticancer" drugs. Chemotherapy drugs are given intravenously, by injection or by mouth. Which ever you choose to try first. Chemotherapy is often used alone, or in conjunction with radiation therapy or surgery."

"In your case, it would be chemotherapy and radiation together. There will be points that you will have to stay here in the hospital. A lot of that will depend how well your body responds to treatment." I closed my eyes, choking on the lump in my throat. Wishing this was one damn mess up nightmare. "Any questions?"

"What about side effects" Charlie asked.

"Chemotherapy can have many unpleasant side effects, such as nausea, vomiting, hair loss and mouth sores. We would keep a strict watch on this. I can give you a few minutes to think and talk things out with your family.

Also I like to have all my patients to keep a journal. It seems to help."

"Thank you for everything your doing"

"Here's a prescription for a vitamins to try and raise your iron. Your blood work came back, you are still anemia."

" That explains why I've been feeling tired even after I have taken a nap" I made eye contact with no one.

Charlie sighed. He seated himself on the chair next to me, dropping his head into his hands. When he spoke again, he looked old, like he had aged in the short few minutes. "Bella, please. Please do this, if not for yourself, for me." His eyes fogged up. "Look, I'm not too sure how much longer I have before I loose you. Since you won't do it for yourself, for my sake then, at least leave your old man knowing that he did the best he could."

I sighed heavily. So Bella, what do you choose? . Renee asked " Your father and I are here for you either way"

Was there really a choice? I hated when Charlie and Renee used the guilt card, because it almost always worked on me. I nodded yes, looking away. Suddenly, I was exhausted.

"Thanks Bells," he said as he kissed me on the forehead.

After informing the doctor I wanted to start treatment a nutritionist came to visit me. She counseled me how to eat once I got home. She explained how eating the proper foods would strengthen my immune system. So, I decided to stop eating red meat and greasy foods and to focus on fish, beans and vegetables.

**_O~O~O~O_**

I once more stood by my bedroom window. Something I did everyday ever since he left. This very window my love would come through to see me, hold me and hum my lullaby until I was asleep. I turned on my radio listen as songs filled my ears. I had only begun a few weeks ago listening to any music at all. I was so afraid to remember but terrified to forget. Edward would always be the one I love, No other would be able to compare. He was everything I wanted. Time wouldn't make a difference. I would love him until by dying breath. Even he didn't love me, that didn't change how much I loved him.

_Last night, an angel came to me _

_I was cryin' alone _

_My heart was bleeding _

_Last night, an angel came to me_

_I was cryin' alone _

_My mind was dying_

My dream last night had felt so real. The pain I felt on a daily bases. Day in and day out, in reality or my dreams, it was a constant ache that never went away. Ache Edward left, then this ache from having cancer. Was I making the right choice to fight this. Was it even worth this. My thoughts these days were all over the place.

It s amazing how things get stuck in your head. You try and try to think of something else, anything. Just hoping that you can get rid of the mental pictures in your head. But it never works. Every time you shut your eyes the memories play behind them. That was what happened every time my eyes closed. But I couldn't help thinking it this was some how entirely my fault. I knew that everyone else disagreed with me.

All I had wanted to do the last couple of months was to be dead, merely existing instead of living. But now that I had my death sentence, I didn't want to die. I didn't want to leave this plane of existence, not just yet.

And suddenly the world was too silent, too cold for me to keep my mind off the coming battle I had to fight, one that could break me. A battle within myself. A silent enemy.

_God have mercy _

_Stop them destroying me_

_An angel came to me _

_To save my life _

_Listen to his voice _

_Please hear his soul _

_This angel came to me _

_To save me_

And I broke down, sliding to my knees. I wanted my life back. I wanted Edward back. My other family. The Cullen's meant every thing to me. I hated my eighteen birthday, every thing was fine before that. But then it all came crashing down because clumsy little Bella cut her finger on a piece of paper. My world shattered because I was just too clumsy and stupid.

I knew I looked like skin and bones. I knew I wasn't healthy, but between the pain and my own emotionless state, food really wasn't an option. Or remembered. Like it mattered anyways. I was dying and I little faith the treatments were going to help.

I was crying messily, big, gulping sobs that were barely allowing me to breath at all. I was practically howling in the pain whether from the cancer or the broken heart that I was suffering from, I had no idea. I was tearing at my hair, barely able to keep myself from flinging things around.

_Last night, an angel came to me I was doing wrong_

_Last night, an angel came to me I was sleepin' wrong_

I want you back, Edward I whispered to the empty air. Edward would always be my every thing. To the very last breath I breathed. My last heart beat. My last thought would be of him. With him, life was vibrant. I had everything I had ever wished for. A confidant who I could tell anything to no matter how gruesome or disturbing, a best friend.

_God have mercy _

_Stop them destroying me_

_An angel came to me _

_To forgive me _

_Listen to his prayers_

_Please feel his love _

_This angel came to me _

_God saved me_

I buried my head into my knees, allowing my hair to act as a cushion. The more I though about Edward, the more I cried. I thought of his perfect body, and I wept. I thought of his crooked smile, and I sobbed.

_An angel came to me_

_To fulfill his prophecy _

_He listened to my prayers _

_Please feel my love _

_This angel came to me _

_I recognized him_

I stood up abruptly, bad idea, dizziness waved before me. Every thing was spinning, I felt nauseated then my legs started to shack. The next thing I remember nothing as everything faded to black.

**Charlie POV**

"Charlie, if anything happens call me no matter what"

"Why don't you stay here, instead of that damn hotel. If you can call it that"

"No, the hotel is just fine. It's been fine since I've been here" A part of me would always care for Renee but she would never be mine again. I'd have to live with that. Just wasn't meant to be..

"What ever. Will you be back in the morning or meet us at the hospital"

"I'll meet Bella and you at the hospital"

"Okay" I said "Has Bella talked to you what happened between her and that Cullen boy?"

"Not much. I hate seeing her like this. She still loves him. I don't think she will ever be the same." She sighed "You know her when she loves. she does it with all her heart. To her it was much more than a crush. I just don't get it, I know he felt the same way. You could see it in his eyes, the way he acted around her. I think there is more to it than either had let on. I pray he comes back, because I'm afraid she will give up."

"I wish she would move on. He doesn't deserve her love." I wish I could have inflicted pain on Edward before he left, breaking my baby girl.

"Charlie, that wasn't nice. I don't she'd ever be able to move on fully. She's into deep, the love those two shared for one another was something rare" Ugh right, a mouse was more in love with cheese. They were to young to know what love was.

Crash, Bang,

I ran up the stairs with Renee right behind me, strait to Bella's room, she was spiralled on the floor unconscious, "OH GOD BELLA" I ran to my only daughter. Tears fill my own eyes, and I tried to will them away but they eventually they could not be stopped. I held my daughter against my chest. "Bella, stay with me."

"Renee, call 911" I whimpered, with out answering she quickly dashed down stairs.

"Don't you dare do this... Stay with me... Bella, keep breathing... Don't you stop. Daddy loves you.... Stay with me sweetheart. We all need you." It seemed like hours before a ambulance arrived. I watched helplessly as they loaded her up. Renee rode with them while I followed in my cruiser.

I was never one to pray but this seemed as good time as any " God, please help my little girl. She's all I have. I'll do any thing, take my last breath, I'll gladly take her place. Just let her be okay. To many people need her here." This is the worst pain for any parent to go through. I just got her back, I wasn't ready to let her go. I continued to pray all the way, scared I'd never see her again. This was pure hell.

**I hope I did well here. I wrote this in two hours. Thank you again to my readers.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter 3**

**Sorry it took this long to get this chapter out. I had getting this written, told the way I wanted. I'm still not 100% satisfied. but you as the reader gets to decide either this is good or I need to work on it some more.**

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_**BPOV**_

_I recall a long farewell and a time to choose _

_So we part like rivers baby, yeah like rivers do _

_But I still talk about you though and wonder _

_How your life will unfold_

_Show me what it looks like _

_Outside your window at twilight_

_Show me what it looks like_

_I recall driving home, this ain't gonna hit me _

_till God knows when _

_You know I feel it in my bones_

_and I wear it on my skin _

_But there ain't no use in right or wrong_

_A heart must go where it belongs_

_Show me what it looks like _

_Outside your window at twilight_

_Is it me that you see dancing on a line _

_Singing I could be yours if you would be mine_

_Come on grow old with me_

_and surely you'll see_

As I regained consciousness, it took me a few seconds to realize where I was, but I was having a hard time remembering why I would be here. I forced my eyes open, but everything was spinning and blurry I could not focus on anything. Things were happening to quickly, people rushing about, doing various things to me, it was complete confusion on my part. I was having a hard time controlling my breathing. I felt as if I had finish a five mile marathon. I was scared, what was happening to me. I wasn't ready to die. I never would be. Why was I here, in the hospital, was this my end?

Lots of confusing swirls of faces moved over me. I drifted in and out of alertness. I felt so tired, I just wanted to sleep but I was being forest to stay wake. Also fear rushed over as I started to worry what if I was to sleep I may not wake up.

"What have you got for me?" I thought I heard, things were set on fast-forward.

_And I remember thinking, boy you must be dreaming _

_So hold on, hold on, before it's all gone _

_And I do remember thinking that your world would go on spinning _

_Without me now, so c'me on, c'mon please_

_Show me what it looks like _

_Outside you window at twilight_

_Show me what it looks like_

_Outside you window at twilight_

_Is it me that you see dancing on a line_

_Singing I could be yours if you would be mine_

_Come on grow old with me and surely you'll see_

_I recall a long farewell and a time to choose_

_Step out the door and it feels like rain _

_That's the sound (that's the sound) on your windowpane_

_Take to the streets but you can't ignore _

_That's the sound (that's the sound) you're waiting for_

"18 year old female, found collapsed in her home, was recently diagnosed with Leukemia" the EMT replied steadily Patient s name is Isabella Swan Oh..this is Chief Swan's daughter then?"

"Yes ma'am" The fog started to lift, I took in my surroundings. I was laid flat up on a hard, uneven bed-a bed with rails.

"Thanks Matt," What appeared to be a doctor took the chart from him. Shouting at a nurse, who was checking on some charts at the ER desk. Sara I could use a hand. Frank, what s open? I heard some say, somewhere behind my head. I had a bad headache.

"Jess just cleared those three suture people out of Exam 1"

They wheeled me in to Exam 1. Transferring me quickly onto the hospital bed. I hate the hospital smells, everything was to clean.

Edward had broken his promise to keep me safe, never leaving me. How could my life go so wrong? The one person I needed wasn't here. I felt so selfish, I had mom, dad, and Friends nevertheless I felt lost. Edward was my home but he didn't love me. I wasn't good enough.

"Miss. Swan, keep your eyes open"

_forever your world starts crashing down _

_Whenever your world starts crashing down _

_Whenever your world starts crashing down _

_That's where you'll find me. (yeah)_

_God love your soul and your aching bones _

_Take a breath, take a step, meet me down below _

_Everyone's the same, our fingers to our toes _

_We just can't get a right, but we're on the road_

_If ever your world starts crashing down _

_Whenever your world starts crashing down _

_Whenever your world starts crashing down _

_That's where you'll find me. (yeah)_

_'Don't give up, love'_ It was a pleading voice, a familiar voice, a beautiful voice-soft like Velvet even though it was irate. In the instant that I heard his voice, it gave me the will to fight, the right to live, the hope I so desperately longed for.

"Ugh..." It felt like a moan was stuck deep in my throat.

_'Bella, love fight for me, fight for us.'_ He begged, his voice slipping away, as if the volume was being turned down on a radio. Was I losing my mind? His voice was so clear even if it was merrily a whisper.

_Lost 'til you're found _

_Swim 'til you drown _

_Know that we all fall down _

_Love 'til you hate Strong 'til you break _

_Know that we all fall down_

_If ever your world starts crashing down _

_Whenever your world starts crashing down _

_Whenever your world starts crashing down_

_That's where you'll find (find) me_

_Lost 'til you're found _

_Swim 'til you drown _

_Know that we all fall down _

_Love 'til you hate _

_Strong 'til you break _

_Know that we all fall down_

_All fall down_

_Lost 'til you're found_

_Swim 'til you drown _

_Know that we all fall down_

_Love 'til you hate _

_Strong 'til you break_

_Know that we all fall down_

_**~O~O~O~**_

**Renee POV**

I laid my face in my hands as I attempted to stop hyperventilating, trying desperately to reassure myself that everything was, and would be, alright. I was overwhelmed by Bella's diagnosis, now this. My baby has been dealt a bad hand of cards. I don't know what I'll do without her. That boy have better come back, and when he does I swear to give him a piece of my mind. He should be here helping her. Damn, any one with a low IQ could see the love those two held for each other. I always preached to her about falling in love to young but she was never one to listen. I just want the best for her, for her to be happy. He is what makes her happy. How could he not have known or felt that? Those two acted so much older than 18 (I know he's like over 100 or something but remember Renee doesn't know that).

This wait is killing me, Charlie looks like he's aged beyond his years. I regret taking Bella away from him all those years ago. Years lost, years never to get back. So many things I wish I could done differently. At least Phil has been good to me. A real good man, of course Charlie is to but we were not meant to work out. Love can be such a trickle thing.

**_~O~O~O~_**

**BPOV**

I groaned as I felt a slight stirring near my hand but I ignored it and shifted my head trying to fall back into my comatose state of sleep.

The stirring persisted and I finally opened my eyes. I looked around groggily, keeping the blanket around me and saw the early morning sun shining through the bay window. I glanced down at my father's face and my eyes widened in shock, had he slept in that hard plastic seat. He was hard asleep snoring softly with his arms folded on the edge of my bed, with his head rested firmly on them.

"Dad!" I called louder. His eyes opened with a start and fell to the tile floor with a grunt.

Laughter escaped my lips as he pulled himself off the floor glaring at me.

"You think this is funny? young lady" he quirked an eyebrow at me.

I was still laughing and tears escaped my eyes as I nodded my head.

"Since I'm up, I guess I should head on to work. Will you be alright here my yourself"

"Yea, not much trouble for me to get into here in a hospital"

"Umm, I guess your right"

"I'll be fine, mom said she'd stop by, she has to pick up Phil around 1:00 from the airport"

"Okay, call if you need anything"

"Sure, sure"

"Bye"

"Goodbye"

I sighed as he left, a shower sounded right about now. Carefully I slid off the bed, closing the bathroom door after I went in. I turned the hot water on in the shower. I stripped off my clothes and stepped into the shower I stood beneath the hot blasts of water until my skin was raw and red, mulling over the thoughts in my head. All this thinking and worrying was giving me a headache. When I heard those words Cancer I felt the world standing. Everything the doctor was saying was incomprehensible. I felt like a prisoner handed a death sentence. During those moments I felt numbness all over my body. What I could only feel at that time were tears running down my cheeks. This was as hard to sallow as he day he left me. A lone and scared, no longer able to feel safe.

I washed my hair with my favorite strawberry shampoo and scrubbed my skin with my freesia scented body soap. When I was done I got out and dried off.

I sat there on my bed watching the clock on the wall on my left. Tick. Tock. I locked my concentration on the big hand, in order to keep any kind of control of the situation. Every tick tock was one more second closer to my death. A death sentence forced upon me. I never had a choice, I was doomed no matter what. I closed my eyes tightly and clamped my mouth shut. I had this feeling stirring deep down in the back of my mind that was telling me not to get my hopes up because the last time someone promised me they would be there they left as soon as they got the first chance.

After lunch I threw up for the third time that day. I just couldn't keep anything down. It felt like my insides where getting riped out every time. I only ate when I was made to, they have threatened to place a feeding tube down my throat. Who would want to eat if every time you ate you paid a visit to the porcelain Gods.

**_~O~O~O~_**

Someone put a hand on my shoulder and I shook my head, breaking out of my trance, turned to see Jacob standing behind me. Surprise he said with a boyish grin, pulling me into a hug..

"I thought you could use a little cheering up "he said sheepishly.

"Thank you" I whispered quietly.

"So...how are holding up?"

"Okay I guess." I shrugged, Jacob frowned at me, not believing me " I have more tests to under go today. Hopefully the chemo is doing it's job. This crap they keep pumping me with sucks"

"Can't be that bad" He smiles, and his shoulders relaxed.

"Trust me. it is. When ever I eat or drink, I pay my thanks to the porcelain gods. I'm tired all the time. I look like hell. At any time my hair will fall out...you know the worst thing about all this is?....That in the end it will be all for nothing. Jacob... I don't want to die" I wiped my face with the back of my hand.

"You didn't care if you would have died to become a bloodsucker" Jacob muttered, his voice almost inaudible. I could feel the tension between Jacob and me. What he said was uncalled for, I was pissed off, he had no right to say that. I loved Edward and his family even if they didn't feel the same. I was sure Alice fought Edward on leaving. She knew it all had started with what happened at her birthday party, the one she never wanted in the first place but Alice didn't listen and look where is know. Jacob of all people knew how much she missed her second family. They meant the world to her, nothing would ever change that. "Get out. You have no right to say some thing like that. Sorry, that you hate them but I can't. Your my best friend, your like a brother. That how I feel. I want you to leave"

"What?" He pushed his hair back annoyed. "You can't really mean that?....I love you, Bells" I took notice that Jake had his fists balled up enraged. "So, if the were to come back. You'd forgive them?"

"Yes, because that's what families do. I feel like there was a good reason for them leaving me" At least that's what I kept telling myself on a daily base, but that didn't mean that I hadn't had my moments. It is hard not to get angry, they all left me when I needed them most.

"Jacob. I want you to leave. I only love you as a friend. Until you can stop saying mean things about my family, don't come back" I could see that my words had hurt him, but I was too mad to feel bad about that yet.

"How can you still call them family? They left you. They don't care about you..... You need to move on" Jacob demanded

My jaw tightened, and spoke through my teeth, angry, sad, tears collecting in my eyes . "They will always be my family. I WILL LOVE THEM AND EDWARD FOR AS LONG AS I LIVE" His eyebrows pushed together angrily, and his eyes were black in their deep shadow. "You're my friend, best friend, that's what you are! My heart chose Edward, there is nothing that can change that even knowing Edward doesn't return them. I will never love another man like I do for him. I'm sorry. I never meant to break your heart"

"I'm sorry too" He turned, running out the door. I have hate myself more than I did now. Jake was a good man, a great friend. I know exactly how he was feeling, the same why I felt when Edward told me he didn't love me. Death is easy, while life was hard. How true that rang this day.

**_~O~O~O~_**

Just then the doctor came in interrupting my thoughts. I felt myself start to shake with nervousness as he flipped through his clipboard and took a seat next to the bed I was lying in. "So. How are you feeling today" Tired? Nauseous?" the doctor asked putting his clipboard down in his lap.

"Fine even with all the above"

"Okay, but as you know those are normal with this type of treatment. What about your headaches you were having?"

"Well, as long as I take my pain-killers on time. My headaches seem to stay dulled"

"I'm glad to here. I want to discuss your last tests done yesterday. The chemo and ration are working however not as well as I like to see. All we can do at this point is keep you here longer, continuing your treatment. This would be in your best interest."

I sighed, "Fine, if that's best"

"Good, well, I have more rounds to make. If you need ant thing just push the red button. Some one will answer. Good day"

"Thanks" Once again I was alone. Mom should be here in a few hours, a nap would be nice about right now.

**_~O~O~O~_**

**_Dream_**

"Bella, we're leaving" His eyes were cold and hard.

"When you say we-," I whispered, I knew he heard.

"I mean my family and myself. My world is not for you"

"You can't leave...leave me behind, You promised, we would always be together"

"Bella, I don't want you to come with me" I saw hatred, no longer did I see love

"You...don't...want me?"

"No I'm....tired of pretending to be something I'm not. You're not good for me, Bella" I felt numb. I couldn't feel anything. " Don't worry. Your human-your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind"

I won't forget I thought. I didn't know what to think let alone say. The man that meant the world to me, doesn't love me. Never did.

"Don't" My voice was Braily a whisper now; awareness was beginning to seep through me, trickling like acid through my vein. "Please, don't do this"

"It will be as if I'd never existed" I could see from his cold stare it was to late, his mind was made up. I meant nothing, how I felt meant nothing. I was loosing my reason for existuns. My soul-mate was breaking my heart, but he clearly didn't care. I had been a fool, of course how could some beautiful creature love some as plain as me. There wasn't nothing grand about me, nothing special. He played with heart, why was fate so cruel to me. What had I done? I would never be able to move on, that was one thing he was wrong about. I would love him until my death

"Goodbye, Bella" He was gone.

"EDWARD, DON'T LEAVE ME" I screamed out into the quiet forest. unable to support my legs, I slid to my knees. My Love, my life, my meaning...was over.

_You left me standing there _

_you didn't even care_

_you just walked away _

_I felt so scared _

_you never looked back at me_

_so unaware of how cruel you could be _

_I was always there _

_Did you ever care?_

_Did you ever care for me?  
Did you ever believe in me?  
Did you ever love me?  
Did you? Did you? Did you?_

_you didn't have to fall _

_I didn't need your tears_

_I didn't want your pity_

_Just any feelings at all would _

_have been sufficient_

_I never felt so small. so_

_insignificant _

_you left me naked with nothing _

_at all _

_How could I be so blind?_

_Did you ever care for me?  
Did you ever believe in me?  
Did you ever love me?  
Did you? Did you? Did you?_

_Falling down_

_Darkness __surrounds me _

_I open my eyes _

_I bow my head and cry_

_Did you believe in me?_

_Did you ever love me?_

_Did you ever care for me?  
Did you ever believe in me?  
Did you ever love me?  
Did you? Did you? Did you?_

_Did you ever care for me?_

_Did you ever love me?_

I awoke screaming, looking down to a cruel sight on my pillow - a chunk of my brown hair laid there, glimmering. Sobbing hysterically, I couldn't get a single word out while my mother rocked me and murmured quiet words. My body was shaking with fear, as tears streamed down my face. I felt so lost and hated it. It should be Edward's cold arms holding me. My mother was trying her best to be here. However, I couldn't help but want the man I love to come trough that door. Of course, Edward was never coming back. He didn't love me, I doubt he'd care if I was dying. Alice had to have seen me, maybe she didn't care either. How could the people I thought as family just up and leave me like that. Not even a goodbye, had I really meant so little to them. I thought Esma and Carlisle as a second set of parents. With the family, I had everything I needed. Parents, brothers, sisters and my soul-mate. I was complete, a perfect fix to a jig-saw puzzle.

My life no longer held the exciting appeal that it once had.

"I love you sweetheart." She finally said, kissing me lightly on the forehead. "Every thing will work out, it's just hair. it'll grow back. I promise my sweet baby girl"

"Why? Why me? Mom why is this happening? I don't want this. All I want is Edward."

"Shhh...shhh..I know you want him.."

"Why did he not love me? Why am I the one with cancer? What did I do to deserve this?"

"I don't know what happened when he left you but sweetheart I know he lied to you. He loves you, What you to have is rare. He had his reasons even if they were to make no sense to others."

"Your wrong. He doesn't love me and now I'm dying."

"You know deep in your heart, you don't believe that. Before that day did you ever doubt his love?"

"No"

"Then hold on to that. Don't give up and make the same mistakes I made. Now get back to sleep, you need your rest. Phil will be here in the morning to visit you"

"Thanks, I love you mom" I whispered before falling into the darkness.

**_Song: Did you? (Empty as I am) by: Kelly Clarkson on Twilight Saga New Moon Soundtrack [CONFIRMED] Check it out at Utube._**

**_Thank you so much for all your reviews. Next chapter Edward and Alice's POV most likely with others as well._**


	4. Chapter 4

**Chapter 4**

**_Thank you to all who reviewed_**

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**_I love reading your reviews. They make my day and let me know I'm doing a good job or not. Thank you so much._**

**_-------------------------------------------------------------_**

**_Alice POV_**

My eyes flickered up to Jasper, a sad smile touching his lips. None of us hadn't quite been the same since the day we left Forks and with it, Bella. Jasper stroked my cheek gently and leaned down to kiss me.

when I froze in his arms, my eyes wide and horrified. I tried to fight my vision but it came at me full force.

"NO!" she screamed. "BELLA, No, not her." my voice broke into a dry sob as I fell to the ground on my knees, bringing Jasper with me, too.

He tried his best to comfort me, but I was in too much agony. I couldn't stop, shaking with sobs and the look Jasper mirrored on his face what I could guess was a horrified expression. Bella was in pain and scared.

"No, Bella. Not that. She can't." she cut off, eyes still glazed. She waited mutely. "She-she's"

Jasper held me tightly and sent endless waves of calm out, although it was clear Jasper couldn't quite master his own despair.

"What happened, Alice? Tell me," Jasper commanded gently.

"Bella, she's dying. Her hair...gone....It looks as though she has cancer. It doesn't look good. She wants Edward. She was repeating it to her mother. She needs Edward." Alice choked out " I have..to..call..Edward." Alice suddenly became furious. "Oh god! Why did we leave? We should have never left her. Edward was stupid to leave her behind. She needs him more than ever. Us leaving was his fault. Well, mostly his fault. Why did we listen to damn fool? I told him it was a bad idea to leave her, that she would be heart broken. I could tell she was close to death. She was so skinny, frail, more so than before we left"

"Alice"

Edward couldn't listen to me just this one time! Of course, he wouldn't want to listen to the psychic. No, he wouldn't even let me watch out for her. And now now... she shrieked in furious agony, but it ended in a sob.

"ALICE! Calm down. Here call him. Make him listen." I wanted to beat him for it. Knock the sense back into him.

**_Edward POV_**

Beams of sun light shot down and swirled around me from cracks in the window-blinds as I huddled in a corner of this South American apartment has been my home for several months now. At first after I left Bella, I remained with my family; every one had been affected by my decision. Alice didn't bounce around like she used to and she never shopped any more. The most shopping she ever does is on the Internet even the she doesn't by much. She blamed me for her losing a best friend, a sister.

Jasper is even worse. He stays in his room trying to block out every ones misery let alone his own. He still believes that it is his fault that I left causing everyone so very much agony.

Emmett never pulls pranks anymore, he doesn't even smile. He lost his little klutz of a sister.

Esme and Carlisle act as if they lost one of there children. Rosalie even is a little depressed but is still as pigheaded as ever.

Hearing their thoughts 24/7 was to much to bear. They all mainly centered mainly around him or Bella. His family understood his reasons for leaving Bella; most of them, however, did not approve.

My family called but I never answered, letting it go to voice mail. I left her, my other half. I have to be strong, I have to believe it was the right decision, even if I feel like dying again. I couldn't remember the last time I'd hunted, but it didn't matter. Nothing mattered any more, I was once again alone in the world. I was my own undoing, but leaving was my only option. I could never go back. Not now, not ever. I had to be as cold as I could that day I lead her out into the woods, to try and convince her I meant what I said. I had expected more of a fight, so I was very shocked when she didn't try very hard to stop me. How could she have believed me when I told her I didn't love her? That I had moved on?

_I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow, And each road leads you where you wanna go, And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose, I hope you choose the one that means the ... I hope the days come easy and the moments pass slow,  
And each road leads you where you wanna go,  
And if you're faced with a choice, and you have to choose,  
I hope you choose the one that means the most to you.  
And if one door opens to another door closed,  
I hope you keep on walkin' till you find the window,  
If it's cold outside, show the world the warmth of your smile.  
But more than anything, more than anything..._

She tamed the monster in me. But it wasn't enough. I was too much of a danger to her. She had loved me. My Bella. No. She was not mine any more. I had forced myself to revoke all claims on her. Nothing mattered, I didn't matter. With out her I am nothing. If only I could see her, feel her life thriving heart beating against my stone-hard chest as I would hold her in my inhuman arms. If only

_My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,  
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,  
You never need to carry more than you can hold,  
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,  
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,  
Yeah, this, is my wish._

I had always aloud myself to believe for so long. That I wasn't meant to find love, to be love back. She proved me wrong. However, I was not good enough for her, I placed her life in danger time and time again. This way she was safe from my world. She'll move on, love another, get married, have a family. I can't give her what she needs. She'll love again but I never will. She was and is the only one I will ever love. Time will not change that. My heart is gone forever but she is the only one that it will ever belong to. I squeezed my eyes shut, my hands were clutched into fists at my side.

_I hope you never look back, but you never forget,  
All the ones who love you, in the place you left,  
I hope you always forgive, and you never regret,  
And you help somebody every chance you get,  
Oh, you find God's grace, in every mistake,  
And always give more than you take.  
But more than anything, yeah, more than anything_

What have I done?

_My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,  
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small,  
You never need to carry more than you can hold,  
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,  
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,  
Yeah, this, is my wish. Yeah, yeah_.

Flashes were all I could see of Bella's face as I rejected her. The hurt I saw resting in her eyes, they will haunt me. All I could hear was the pain in her voice as she said, "You don't want me?" I wanted to wrap my arms around her and apologize for being so foolish. I wanted to comfort her, to wipe the tears from her face. I knew I couldn't, though. As terribly as it pained me, I had to protect her. I had to sacrifice my own happiness to save her life.

It was the price I had to pay for I had ruined her life, her Innocent life. I didn't know how I could just leave her. But it was for the best, Jasper tried to kill her. And it is entirely my fault. If only I wasn't this damned monster.I have to give her a chance at may not have realized it, but in time, she would move on; she would be happy without me...

I pray what I've done is the right thing.

The sudden vibrating of my phone startled me out of my wallowing. I snatch it Slowly, moving stiffly, I flipped it open off the floor and looked at the number before I answered.

It was Alice. "Hello" I said in a dull voice.

"Edward!" Alice wailed, sorrow laced in her voice.

"What's wrong Alice?" I asked worried now. Did something happen to my family? There was more sobbing on the line. Something is definitely wrong.

"Alice, ALICE, what is wrong?" I screamed in to the phone. The next thing she said was incoherent.

"What?" then she said the name that would send my life spiraling downward. Bella.

I stiffened. "I told you not to watch for her!"

"I didn't!" Alice said. "But I can t help see, Edward, so SHUT UP AND LISTEN! I had a vision of Bella."

Not that my life wasn't already bad enough. "Bella" she wailed "she ..She ..she s dying!!!" Why? WHY HER? she sobbed even harder.

That is when I snapped." Alice, ALICE, what happened, what did you see ......?!!!" I sobbed. She didn't answer for a long time. All you could here were her sobs and wails of despair.

Then she finally answered. "Bella, she was crying, her mother was rocking her, Bella's has no hair. She kept repeating that she wasn't ready to die. That she wished you were there. Edward, I think she has cancer. Why did you leave her. Look where it got you. She's dying and the one person she wants isn't there to hold her. Tell her everything is going to be okay. She still loves you. Your a fool to have left your soul-mate"

"That's enough Alice. I did what was best for her to live a normal human life. She was meant to move on." I was losing my battle, I knew I had to go back. Bella meant so much to me. I loved her with every thing I had. As long as she was happy, I would be to. Of course, I know now I was stupid to believe either of us could be happy without the other. We are two half's that made a whole when togeather.

"Yea? Is this what you call moving on. You a coward, hiding from everyone. Bella, fighting for life, crying out your name. Praying my some miracle you will come back. I know what you said to her that day. I kept my mouth shut but this. I draw the line. Go back fix this. Help Bella. I know you love her. Edward, you have to hurry! Go the fastest you've ever gone!" suddenly the sound of crushing medal filled my ear as I unthinkingly crushed the tiny silver phone in my hand.

I sobbed tearless, wishing I could cry tears. I wished I could shad wet tears for Bella, oh Bella why oh why. What have I done? Pain, all I could feel is pain. I had to get to her, I couldn't lose her. I was a fool to think she would be better off without me. I had to make things right. I had all but broken through the wall in my mad dash for Forks.

I drove even faster, why did I have to be so far away? I didn't know I could drive this fast.

**_Alice POV_**

" I saw Edward going back to Forks. Pack your bags, we're leaving also. Bella, needs us just as much as Edward. I want to see my best friend/sister" I whispered the last words in anguish. I was determined to make it to her in time. Edward wasn't the only one that wanted to see her. And if he didn't want to change her this time well then I'll have to do it myself. I wasn't about to lose her again.

**_Bella POV_**

With Spring in full force. My doctor has aloud me to come home to spend Easter with family and friends for a few days. I've lost all my hair due to the chemo, I now weigh 100 pounds due being unable to hold food down. My throat is raw making swallowing difficult. There are plans to insert me with a feeding tube if I lose any more weigh. All this chemo and radiation was just taking a major toll on my weakened body. I was literally living on borrowed time. Although it appears the treatment is no longer working.

I_ can take the rain on the roof of this empty house _

_That don't bother me _

_I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out_

_I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while_

_Even though going on with you gone still upsets me _

_There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok But that's not what gets me_

_What hurts the most _

_Was being so close _

_And having so much to say _

_And watching you walk away _

_And never knowing _

_What could have been_

_And not seeing that loving you_

_Is what I was tryin' to do_

_It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go But I'm doin' It_

_It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone_

_Still Harder Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret _

_But I know if I could do it over _

_I would trade_

_give away all the words that I saved in my heart _

_That I left unspoken_

Since the first time I hyperventilated and passed out here in my room, later referred to a panic attack, I've had 4 more, each one more serious than the last. I was put on medication, but they weren't working. Truth be told, I only pretended to take them. When they turned their backs, I hide them under my pillow until I would throw them in the trash when left alone. I hated the way they made me feel. I know they were to help but I wanted to feel like myself not a dull shell.

_What hurts the most _

_Is being so close _

_And having so much to say _

_And watching you walk away _

_And never knowing _

_What could have been _

_And not seeing that loving you _

_Is what I was trying to do_

_What hurts the most _

_Is being so close _

_And having so much to say _

_And watching you walk away _

_And never knowing _

_What could have been _

_And not seeing that loving you _

_Is what I was trying to do_

_Not seeing that loving you _

_T__hat's what I was trying to do _

_Ooohhh...._

**_~O~O~O~O~_**

I woke up this morning to find birds chirping and the sun shining. Some thing rare to see. I should be happy, I fake a smile for every one nevertheless it's the exact opposite of my mood. To them I'm cheery and happy compared to how I truly feel, gloomy and dull.

I know my face shows the same distress. I don't need a mirror to know that. I look as I feel. I'm trying to have hope but failing miserably. The dull of my eyes with purple bags underneath. My pale sickly white skin. Charlie had said without thinking that I could pass as the living dead.

Before I knew it I was lost in the past. Memories. Ones Edward claimed would fade over time, soon I would forget. How can some one forget their soul-mate, move on to another person? That would never happen. He was my life, my reason for living. Without him I had no hope. I was going to die, there was no changing that. IF Edward had been here then I have a chance but he's not. Never will be.

I can remember the first day of school, seeing him for the first time. I had never really believed in fate but there was just something about him. I was drawled in, I didn't want him to hate me. I didn't know what it was at that time but now I know it was love at first sight. I know cliche' nevertheless it was true.

I'm going through the same day Same place, same way I always do Then I saw you from the corner of my eye And it hit me like a top and I can't lie Oh you go to me My life was alright living in black and white But you changed my point of view

I was so scared and confused our first time in Biology II, he had the strangest expression on his face-it was hostile, furious. His eyes were black-coal black. His posture was stiff. I remember thinking what was wrong with him. The phrase if looks could kill running through my mind.

_Show me your colors_

_Show me your colors _

_Cuz without you_

_I'm blue_

_(Without you I'm blue)_

The morning Tyler lost control of his van. Hearing high-pitched screeching of tires. I was sure I was going to die. Edwards face stood out from a sea of faces, all frozen in the same mask of shock. In a blink of an eye something hit me, hard, but not from the van. It happened so fast, one second Edward was across the parking lot with horror in his face. Then the next he had one arm around my waist, the other fitting providentially into a deep dent in the side of the van's body. Edward had saved me. I still can remember what we had said that day. The day I knew for sure he was different, his whole family was different.

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me_

_Hurry up and save me_

_Hurry up and save me _

_I just wanna feel alive_

_And I do when I'm with you_

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me_

_I just wanna feel alive_

_And I do when I'm with you_

_(Show me your colors _

_Show me your colors)_

When I had went to Port Angeles with Angela and Jessica so they could look at dresses for the up coming school dance. I left them to do their dress shopping while I went to the little book store, little did I know what was in store for me. That was the night Edward had saved me from being a victim of rape. I had never been so thankful, he was a nothing but a hero. Of course he didn't entirety see it that way. I also learned he could read minds but not mine.

_I have to have control of myself _

_My thoughts my mind _

_That's the way it's going down _

_In my life _

_I feel like a prisoner _

_In a light Are you feeling me _

_Cuz the way you make my _

_Break my shake my walls around_

_I feel like I'm breaking up_

Oh. and the day he took me to the meadow. Edward standing in the sun with his shirt opened up in the sun light, I was shocked at what I saw, his skin, white despite the faint flush from his day before hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded.

_Show me your colors _

_Show me your colors _

_Cuz without you __I'm blue_

_(Without you I'm blue)_

Or when he saved me from James. Sucking out the venom, maneging to stop in time so not to kill me.

_Hurry up and save me_

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me _

_I just wanna feel alive _

_And I do when _

_I'm with you_

_(Hurry hurry up) _

Taking me to prom. Putting my feet on his so we could dance. Making me feel like a princess, like I mattered. I knew I want to spend the rest of our lives together. I was so sure that we would always be there for each other. He was and is my world. No matter where he is, my heart follows.

_Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
Hurry up and save me (Save you)  
Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
Hurry up and save me_

_I just wanna feel alive _

_And I do when I'm with you_

All those nights he came through my window, held me while humming my lullaby til I was a sleep. I felt so safe in his arms.

_My window's opened up _

_Tonight I'm going down _

_Will you be there are you waiting _

_Will you be there will you save me_

I wish I could go back in time, to my birthday party, the one I had not wanted in the first place but Alice wouldn't take a no. I should have put my foot down. Of course me getting a paper cut was my fault. Never have I blamed Jasper for him acting on instinct. I was klutz who bleed. I knew to be careful but I guess I was stupid anyways.

_(So just leave me, so just leave me)  
(Save me, save me) You can save me _

_(Save me, save me) I know you can save me_

_So just, so just save me_

_Without you I'm blue_

The day he lead me to the forest. Telling me the family had already left and he was to. That I wasn't good enough and he was tired of pretending to be something he wasn't. That he didn't love me. Said I would forget. how wrong he was, I can never love another. He was it, I gave him every thing. He had my heart and he broke it. He left me to face this, did he even care even a little that one way or another I would die, that there was no guarantee I would live an ripe old age. Hell! The way things are I wouldn't see my 19th birthday. He took everything with him when he left me broken and unknowingly sick. After months and months of quoting his undying love, he had said it was all lies. That he had never loved me.

The love of my life never loved me back.

That didn't stop me from wanting him to save me. I'm dying and he is my only hope. Would he care at all that I need to be saved. I dream that he lied that day and this is just a sick twisted nightmare. "Where ever you are Edward.... save me" I whimpered sadly.

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me _

_Hurry up and save me_

_Hurry up and save me _

_I just wanna feel alive _

_And I do when I'm with you_

_Hurry up and save me (I'm blue)  
Hurry up and save me (Are you)  
Hurry up and save me (Are you)  
Hurry up and save me (Are you)  
I just wanna feel alive And I do when I'm with you_

_Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
I just wanna feel alive And I do when I'm with you_

_Hurry up and save me (Save you)  
Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
Hurry up and save me (Save you)  
Hurry up and save me (Save me)  
I just wanna feel alive And I do when I'm with you (Save you)  
Save me, save me..._

_**---------**_

_**Well, there you go, another chapter for you. This one was hard to write. I had a time trying to capture their emotions. How did I do?**_


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5**

**I want to thank all who have reviewed. *smiles***

**Songs: {Everything I do } I do it for you by Bryan Adams and Haunted by Kelly Clarkson**

**Listening to these songs as you read help out with their emotions. Of course some of you may disagree. And to those you hate song lyrics written with a story. Simple don't read this.**

**Thanks to all my reviews good and bad.**

**confuzzled lil phoenix**

**ceilidEilis**

**HorsecrazyJr**

**twinkledee**

**FrenzzyforEdward**

**goldeyedsoul**

**Tired**

**wildflipchild**

**mommyof3boys**

**edwardsgal89**

**TriGemini**

**gabby871**

**Alysha Cullen**

**AshtinxTwilight**

**Edward's POV**

_Look into my eyes - you will see  
What you mean to me  
Search your heart - search your soul  
And when you find me there you'll search no more  
Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for  
You can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for  
You know it's true  
Everything I do - I do it for you_

The scenery that passed by my window. All I saw was colors blurred, nothing made since any more. What I thought to be right turned out to be so wrong. Bella is my whole world. Without her I'm nothing. Leaving her was the most stupid thing I have ever done. So many thoughts were running in my head. How could i have been so so wrong. Emmett was right for once I was a complete idiot. Just when she needs me the most, I leave, lying to her. Breaking her heart, destroying her dreams, her hopes. I should have never left. I have to tell her the truth and hope she understands. Please, let her forgive me. If there is a higher power, please help me to set things right. I needed her. I craved her warm skin against mine.

_Look into my heart - you will find  
There's nothin' there to hide  
Take me as I am - take my life  
I would give it all I would sacrifice  
Don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for  
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more  
Ya know it's true  
Everything I do - I do it for you  
_

I just passed forks welcome sign. I'm almost there, so close but so far away. Soon I'd have her in my arms. This is so surreal. They all were right, I should have never left her. She made me happy, made me feel like a man instead of a monster. She's my other half.

_There's no love - like your love  
And no other - could give more love  
There's nowhere - unless you're there  
All the time - all the way  
_

I parked my car ways down the street from Charlie's house. No way did I want him to know I was back. Charlie would pull out his gun; even if it wouldn't work on me. I'll face him later. Bella is the important thing right now.

_Don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for  
I can't help it there's nothin' I want more  
I would fight for you - I'd lie for you  
Walk the wire for you - Ya I'd die for you_

I slammed the car door, not bothering to shut the engine off. I rushed to her, my Bella. She was all that mattered, getting to her was all that was on my mind. I needed to see her, feel her, make her mine. I had to fix my mistakes, I wanted her to take me back, and never let go. We both needed each other. Time was running out for us. I would do what ever she wanted, even change her. I wanted her by my side until the end of time. I wanted her hand in marriage.

_Ya know it's true  
Everything I do - I do it for you _

I clung precariously to the top of the spruce tree, my weight bowed the tree toward the house. I watched Bella as she slept. She looked deathly sick, but no less beautiful even without her hair. I carefully lifted the window, I heard her start to stir. By the time I was in her room, Bella stood wide-eyed with shock, confusion, pain, and love.

I whispered her name. "Bella..." Her breathing hitched. I was really here, in her room. I swore I was never leaving her again. She was my life, always would be.

Tears shimmered again in those dark, haunted eyes. She swallowed hard sighing with resignation. I closed the distance between us, engulfed her in my arms. I never wanted to let go. Holding her felt so right, slowly closing her eyes. A single tear fall to the floor. I began to hum her lullaby.

"Edward" She whimpered. A loud sob erupted from her throat, More salty tears flowed down her face in streams rivers staining her shirt and face. Bella, the name rippled through my chest punching holes in my lungs. I swear never to leave her. I need her as if my life depended on her. She is my reason to be here. I'll make up for all the mistakes I've done for the rest of my life.

"Are you really here?" Bella asked attempting to stifle the sob that was ripping through her chest.

"Yes"

"why" Her eyes full of dull pain and sadness looked up at me. I had done this, and I alone was the one to fix this. She was

I still love you " I murmured, "I think I always will. She stopped, breathless. She laid her head on my shoulder, her tears soaking my shirt.

I hugged her tighter and then whispered in her ear I love you. More than life

"Please, don't leave me again. Promise me"  
"I promise....'m not going anywhere. NOt without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I can't be without any more, I'm so selfless to let you go again. I love you my sweet bells. I won't let you die"

I still love you too " Bella murmured, "I think I always will. She stopped, breathless. I was back and I was never leaving her behind. Where she went I would follow. A saw a tear rolled down her flushed cheek.

Bella looked back to the floor, taking my hand I grasped her chin lightly and tugged her lips to meet mine.

Her head turned to give me better access. All our lines were being crossed as my tongue trailed over her lips begging for entrance. She granted me the right and our tongues battled I nibbled at her lower lip causing her to moan, stiffed by my mouth on hers to erupt from her throat.

We pulled apart, "Don't you ever leave me again" Bella whispered.

"I won't Bella I won't" I promised, kissing her gently on the lips before lowering her into her bed.

**Bella POV**

Is this the way it was meant to be? Left slowly dying a little more every day? I can't escape this hell I've been throned into.

I was devastated when my heart, my love, told me I was not wanted. Edward stole my choices with as much callousness as he stole my heart. I fall fast and hard, doomed from the start.

The emptiness in my chest and the acidic taste of rejection that seeped into me the day ED..he left me. Ripping my heart out. Him showing no remorse for the broken pieces left in the wake. Did I really mean nothing to him? When Edward and I were together, I thought I had it all. I was living a fairy-tale.

I will die loving him, even then I won't stop.

I remember all those times he had to hunt or it was one of those sunny days. I always felt jumpy and needed to be around him. When Edward was near me, I felt calm.

Fatigue racked my body,and I had to push myself to stay awake. I'm afraid to sleep, afraid I may never wake up. I closed my eyes for a second, I think I fell asleep for a few minutes. Long enough for twisted memories to drift in front of my eye lids, each one more haunting and terrifying than the next.

The worst one of them all, finding out I had cancer and Edward wasn't here to help me through it. I need him more than ever. I prayed day Alice had seen what was happening to me. I could only hope Edward still cares at least a little.

I woke up clutching my chest in fear, the sheets around me were soaked with perspiration and I reached out my hands in search of someone that would never be there. Of course no on was there. He wasn't there.

"Who the hell am I kidding, of coarse he doesn't care. He made that plan clear when he left" I whispered tiredly, hiding a yawn behind my hand, with my eyes closed, found that I couldn't for the life of me get back to sleep, with a sigh I threw back my covers. I sighed and slowly got up and began my morning ritual.

I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. What I saw should have shocked me, but after months of this face staring at me, I was used to it. My face was as pale as one of theirs, my eyes were sunken in and hollow. If I had seemed breakable before, I now looked as if a feather could knock me down. I have already lost all my hair. I always wear a hat or due-rag now. No point in getting a wig when I haven't got much longer to live. I have stopped Chemo and ration treatment. I however still have daily medication I take.

None of my clothes fit anymore. They are all to big. I knew it made Charlie worry that I had lost so much weight. And my appearance alone was enough to make anyone worry. Except me. I didn't really care what happened to me. He wasn't here, so nothing mattered anymore. I was hanging on to borrowed time. I stepped into the shower with shaken legs and let the warm water ease out all the knots of tension in my shoulders, I closed my eyes, breathing in the familiar scent of my strawberry shampoo.

I crept down the stairs, only to trip halfway down, my hand flew out and I managed grabbed hold of the banister before I went hurtling down to the bottom. I stayed still for a moment, my heart racing a little with the jolt of adrenaline that had coursed through for that brief moment. I really hate that I'm so clumsy, I grumbled to myself internally as I adjusted my feet and resumed going down the stairs, though I walked a little slower and a little more carefully this time, hoping to get to kitchen to eat breakfast before Reene or Charlie saw me, without having to listen to any lectures or how are you feeling? Did you take your medication? Don't stress yourself out. I know they meant well but Being asked like every few minutes well it got on my nerves after awhile.

"Bella?" Damn my non-existent luck, with a sigh I went over to the living room.

"Yes mother?" I asked as I pushed open the door, she was sitting on the chair in the corner with a small pile of paperwork on the table in front of her, the television was on but she had switched the sound off as she often did. I had once asked her why she bothered switching it on at all if she never actually listened to it.

"How are you feeling this morning?"

"Good" I poured myself a bowl of cereal, pulling the carton of milk out of the fridge and a bowl out of another of the cupboards as I made my way over to the small breakfast table. I sank down into the chair and filled the bowl.

""Not have any pain?"

"No" I smiled reassuringly at her

"Make sure to take your medication"

"Sure. sure....Where dad and Phil?"

"Charlie went to work. Phil still in bed"

"Okay"

A couple of minutes later and I was upstairs waiting for the computer to load up while I flicked through some of my favourite passages of Wuthering Heights. It was undoubtedly my favourite book, it was just so passionate, the love between Heathcliff and Cathy was just so hopeless but so unutterably constant. The familiarly worn pages of the book were like an old friend.

When the computer finally stopped groaning its protests I put the book down and checked my e-mails. Nothing. How typical.

I went down stairs to grab an apple and forced it down. I didn't want to go back to the hospital and I knew if I passed out in front of anyone, that s exactly where I was headed. I shuddered at the thought. I hated hospitals.

**~O~O~O~**

I had grown accustomed to ripped through my chest, consequently tearing open the gaping hole which resided there. I couldn't even escape the feeling of emptiness in my dreams.

_Louder, louder, the voices in my head_

_Whispers taunting, all the things you said_

_Faster the days go by and I'm still_

_Stuck in this moment of wanting you here_

I wish I could have done something, anything to have kept him from leaving me. He means so much to me. I love him and nothing can change that. Even him not returning those feelings. I will love him until my last dying breath.

_Time in the blink of an eye_

_You held my hand, you held me tight _

_Now you're gone and I'm still crying_

_Shocked, broken, I'm dying inside_

_Where are you? I need you_

_Don't leave me here on my own _

_Speak to me, be near me_

_I can't survive unless I know you're with me_

All I had left of him was memories. Every night in my sleep they would play. Little slides of my time with him. The good and bad. I wouldn't trade my memories of him for any thing. They were every bit as precious to me.

_Shadows linger only to my eye _

_I see you, I feel you, don't leave my side_

_It's not fair, just when I found my world _

_They took you, they broke you, they tore out your heart_

_I miss you, you hurt me, you left with a smile_

_Mistaken, your sadness was hiding inside_

_Now all that's left are the pieces to find_

_The mystery you kept, the soul behind a guise_

_Where are you? I need you_

_Don't leave me here on my own _

_Speak to me, be near me _

_I can't survive unless I know you're with me_

_**Memory 1**_

"Goodbye Bella" he said in the same quite, peaceful voice.

"wait" I choked out the words, reaching for him, willing my deadened legs to carry me forward.

He leaned down, and pressed his lips very lightly to my forehead for the briefest instant.

"Take care of yourself" then with a light unnatural breeze he was gone.

_Why did you go?  
All these questions run through my mind _

_I wish I couldn't feel at all _

_Let me be numb, I'm starting to fall_

_Where are you? I need you _

_Don't leave me here on my own_

_Speak to me, be near me_

_I can't survive unless I know you're with me_

_**Memory 2**_

_I walked into my room and headed for the stereo. I hit the open button, only to find it empty._

_I sunk to my bed. No. the CD. The one he made for me. He took it. My lullaby._

(_Where are you)  
Where are you? I need you Don't leave me here on my own_

_Where are you?  
(I can't survive unless I know you're with me)  
You were smiling You were smiling You were smiling_

_**~X~X~X~**_

He took every thing with him but my memories. I walked over to my stereo and pressed play. Clair de Lune filled the room. I backed away until I felt the edge of my bed, and sat down. I didn t realize I was crying until I felt the tears fall on my hands. I fall into my bed, silently weeping in my pillow as my memories continued to haunt me.

My eyes flew open I must have fallen asleep because it was dark out side now. As I stared, I caught a glimpse of white. I heard my window being raised, I was scared out of my mind. It had been months sense Edward had used it but he said he would never come back.

"Bella..." My breathing hitched, it was him. He was here, in my room. Please tell me this isn't a dream. I needed two seconds to shake off the horror before I could catch my breath.

I swallowed hard sighing with resignation. Edward closed the distance between us, engulfed me in his arms. I never wanted Edward to let go. Him holding me felt so right, I slowly closing my eyes. A single tear fall to the floor. He began to hum my lullaby.

"Are you really here?" I asked attempting to stifle the sob that was ripping through my chest.

"Yes"

"Why?" Her eyes full of dull pain and sadness looked up at me. I had done this, and I alone was the one to fix this. She was

"Alice had a vision...I should have never left. I lied to you...I love you. I never stopped. I left for your safety. Not that there's any excuse for what I left you to face"

A loud sob erupted from my throat, tears were now flowing effortlessly down my face, I felt weak, like my legs were about to give way underneath me. He ran towards me and engulfed me in his arms. My head lay on his shoulder, my tears soaking his t-shirt.

He hugged me tighter and then whispered in my ear I love you. More than life

"Please, don't leave me again. Promise me" I whispered. I knew he heard me.

"I promise..I'm not going anywhere. NOt without you. I only left you in the first place because I wanted you to have a chance at a normal, happy, human life. I can't be without any more, I'm so selfless to let you go again. I love you my sweet bells. I won't let you die"

I still love you too " I murmured, "I think I always will. I stopped, breathless, he was here. Edward was back. A tear rolled down my flushed cheek.

I looked back down at the floor, I felt Edward's cold hand grasped my chin lightly and tugged my lips to meet his.

I turned head to give him better access. All our lines were being crossed as his tongue trailed over my lips begging for entrance. I granted him the right and our tongues battled as he nibbled at my lower lip causing a moan stiffed by his mouth on mine to erupt from my throat.

We pulled apart, looking into each others eyes "Don't you ever leave me again" I whispered.

"I won't Bella I won't" Edward promised, kissing me gently on the lips before lowering me into her bed.

_**There you go. What do you think? Sorry it took me so long to get this out. I believe there will be a about 2 or 3 more chapters. Who knows I may make it longer. It depends on the reviews.**_


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